#72: Marching band: Day 1 (part 2)

Sharing our testimonies might not be  a thing to do for the summer camp since we are tight on time, but maybe at the girls sleepover or just at a function outside of marching band (if we ever have one). As leadership, we should be able o connect on a spiritual level with everyone as well as a regular level.  Some people might not want to do it, and that is understandable, but for me personally, knowing how much I have been through that most people don’t know about, I think I could reach a lot of people. Maybe that is just me being vain, but I do. I have been thinking about doing something like this for a while but I have always been scared of how people would react. I have talked to my therapist about it and she thinks that it would be a good step for me to take, but I am still going back and forth about it. Last year I was barely there for the marching season, but this year will be my senior year and I will be leaving (and probably not coming back) and I want to leave a legacy or at least touch some people’s hearts because what good would I be if  I couldn’t even do that?

#71: Marching Band: Day 1

The first day of marching band went surprisingly well. I think our composer for the music that we are playing was smoking something when she wrote the music though. 80% of the band are not very experienced players, and even though I have been playing for almost 8 years, I think it is hard. I’m glad that we have a challenge, but the fact that we only have so long and so much time each day to work on this music is a major problem! I mean I like the challenge, I do, but there is a time and place for it and this is neither that time or place. Another thing that happened is that I think I have officially been designated the “bring me your personal problems” person. I don’t necessarily mind. I am happy to help in anyway I can, but sometimes I just need help handling my own problems, let alone other people’s problems. I have been thinking lately (scary right?).  Last year in marching band, each of the leadership gave a devotion everyday for a week, but I was thinking of changing it up a bit. Devotions are good, but I feel like some of us should share our testimonies.

#70: Mermaid tails and my probs (part 2)

The only thing is, I am really self conscious about my body. I mean I don’t even like to wear a bathing suit in front of people, let alone look at my own reflection in the mirror. Its just part of my many issues. I’m sure it might get better in time (but over the past few years it has just been getting worse…). Everybody usually just tells me it’s a phase or that it’s normal or that I’ll get over it, but they just don’t understand. I just gave up trying to explain it to people. That along with the rest of my problems.  I can’t make people understand me, but I can just choose not to tell them. Some people find out about my problems anyway. For some people finding out, I don’t mind, but for others it’s a friendship ender (I’m hinting that me and that person do not and probably will not ever speak or acknowledge each others existence again). I guess that person didn’t really care about me in the first place or else they would have stuck around.

#69: Mermaid tails and my probs

I am so ready for our pool to be open. We are getting it redone on Monday so by Tuesday I am going to be swimming until my whole body is a giant prune. I love being in the water. I’m not some Olympic swimmer, but the water just has a calming effect on me. Just letting my body sink below the surface of the water allows my head to be clear and for me to totally relax and let go.  When I was little I used to dream I was a mermaid, but then I realized that was never going to happen (I’m actually still a little bitter about that actually). Last year, my friends and I decided we were going to get mermaid tails to wear and swim in and then we were gonna go to the beach and swim in them and possibly freak people out. It was gonna be awesome, but then we went to look online and saw the price of them…and then looked at our empty pockets, and then we silently let the dream die…we thought we could make them, but “ain’t nobody got time for that!” I still kinda want one though cuz I mean come on, it would be awesome to swim in a mermaid tail. I mean really!

#68: Grades and my family (part 5)

I didn’t consider myself close to my dad’s mom (notice I don’t call her my grandmother). I used to call her Nana when I was little. That is, when I actually saw her. She was so wrapped up in her work all the time that she never had time for her only spawn of her children. I am not her grandchild. I refuse to acknowledge myself as such because a grandchild indicates a level of love and happiness, none of which I felt from her. When she was in the hospital with cancer, I spent more time with her those three weeks than I had in all my 16 years of life. I was never good enough for her.  I mean I guess I was because she never bothered to visit me. She came up for my birthday once. Other than that she did phone on important holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving, but that’s about it. My great grandmother on my mom’s side comes up every year for my birthday and she makes an effort to come see me from South Carolina (where most of my family lives) a few times a year AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN DRIVE!!! I never really knew what it was like to have a grandmother like everyone talked about theirs, but my great grandmother was the only one who gave me a glimpse of what it was like to have a real grandmother.

#67: Grades and my family (part 4)

I don’t even bother with my dad’s side of the family. They are all crazier than bed bugs. My dad included in that (although I love him dearly). I don’t like visiting any of them. Ever. For the past two years, the only time I have had to visit them is when there is a death in the family. Last year it was my dad’s mom, and this year it was my dad’s uncle (his mom’s brother). I hate funerals. The really sad thing is though, I have trained myself to just isolate myself from other people’s feelings so at funerals, I don’t even cry anymore. I just stare blankly ahead and I think to myself when it is going to be over. I also like to people watch. I mean there are all these people there and I know that not all of them could have been close to the deceased, so I think they are just there to either start drama or get some free food and sweet tea. Mostly the latter.  Even when people cry at funerals, I wonder what they think that will accomplish. I know that they are incredibly sad because someone they love has died, but crying about it isn’t going to bring them back. I am sure they are looking down (or up, depending on what their final destination was) and are sad because their loved ones are crying. Maybe that’s just me being the horrible person that I am but I’m sure it would be different when I experience the loss of someone close to me.