#65:Grades and my family (part 2)

I feel a lot of pressure on myself to get my grades up. In my family (extended family, not my parents), most if not all of my cousins are dissapointments (as my family puts it). I’m so terrified of being one of those dissapointments. I don’t want to end up like one of my cousins who doesn’t have a job but is expecting another kid with no source of income (and no boyfriend), or one of my other cousins who quits jobs after just working a day and fails their classes in college and then doesn’t work and free loads off of my grandmother. I don’t want to be a dead beat dad either like my step grandfather. He was just awful to my mom and her sister. Another one of my cousins is going to marry a girl who is expecting his child but he doesn’t have an actual job he just relies on the music videos he makes to bring in some cash (if you call that music). My other cousin is a father living with his girlfriend and they had a kid together and she has 3 other kids from different guys (there is a work for girls like her but it is obviously not appropriate).

#64: Grades and my family

I really don’t want to take any exams, but as of right now I have to take 4 and I am not happy about that.  It makes me feel like a total idiot. I had high Bs last quarter, but now I have As and I just don’t want to take the exams. I want Monday to be my last day of school, not Thursday. I don’t even know if I have to take Chemistry because she hasn’t put the grade in PowerSchool in from the test that I made up. I don’t think I did well though. I’m pretty sure I did not do well. There were four questions on there that were not on the review guide or in the notes that she gave me and that I copied from the days that I missed. I tried my best but none of the answers I got matched any of the options she gave on the test so I used the “eeny meeny miney moe” technique and took my best guess. I’m so done and I am so disappointed with myself. I have to be better. I can ‘t keep letting my grades slip like this. Even my parents agree. I’m so stupid.

#63: Migraines…ugh (part 3)

     Bright lights and loud sounds also cause my migraines, which is why I tried to get the school to warn me when they were going to have a fire drill because the new fire alarms give me such a bad migraine I can’t even compare it to anything. But yesterday, we had a fire drill, and they didn’t forewarn me, and now my head is hurting so bad I just want to curl up in a ball and die (that seems to be my fall back plan for everything lol). But I have work to do, so I am haphazardly trying to do my homework while on a bunch of different pain meds. Let’s just say that it isn’t working so far. I have taken three different types of pain meds and nothing is helping me and it totally sucks!!! I just want to have a day when my head doesn’t hurt ( I have had a regular headache every day for the past 8 years) so that I can know what it is like not to want to rip my head off everyday because it won’t stop hurting. But I guess that’s too much to ask for. I try to stay positive about it, but sometimes I just can’t. 

#62: Migraines…ugh (part 2)

     And then I felt the most intense burning, stabbing, and all around painful thing that I have ever felt (aside from my migraines) It was so painful. She lied to me. I wish she just would have said “this is going to hurt a lot. Just so you know.” But she didn’t say that. Anyway, when I had the spinal tap, she said that my spinal pressure fluid was seven times the normal amount. So needless to say, she was draining fluid off for a while (yes, I know that sounds gross). After that I had to lie down for two hours before they released me from the hospital (and I wanted to be out of there so much. I have spent enough time in hospitals to last me a life time. Trust me, I am good on hospitals).  So the doctors are now sure that I have pseudo tumor cerebri. Which is good I guess, except now I have to take even more meds and I might have to go back for another spinal tap. I’m glad it helped, but I really don’t want to be stabbed in the back anymore times than I have already been (haha see what I did there?)

#61: Migraines…ugh

If you have never had a migraine, you have never truly experienced what it’s like to be in so much pain you can’t even move. I have been having migraines since the third grade and they just progressively get worse. I can’t eat chocolate because that gives me migraines. Aspartame (artificial sweetener that is in almost everything) gives me migraines. Some cheeses give me migraines. MSG (monosodium glutamate which is in basically everything as well) gives me migraines. Even nitrates in certain meats gives me migraines! Basically, anything I eat will probably spark a migraine. The doctors think that I have something called pseudo tumor cerebri, which is when my brain thinks it has a tumor but really it doesn’t, but it is usually caused by an excess build up of spinal fluid because my brain is failing to regulate the fluid. I had spinal tap done back in December. Let me tell you something about that spinal tap. IT HURT!!! The needle they used for the numbing medicine had to be at least 6 inches. Having any long sharp object stabbed into your back is not fun at all. The doctor said “You are going to feel a little sting.”

#60: I don't even know

I have no idea what I am going to be talking about in this blog, but that isn't really different from what I usually do. I guess I might just talk about random stuff until I reach 200 words. I really miss reading for pleasure. We read for English class, but that isn't the same. I want to be able to read without worrying about recalling every single little detail in order to pass a quiz but I want to read just to enjoy the story (not that I can't enjoy the story when reading for the grade, but I can't enjoy it as much). I miss the characters that I didn't have to cross examine under a microscope and then dissect them until there is not substance left. I just want to thoroughly enjoy it and savor it…then pick up the next book in my huge stack of unread books. Moving on to something else, my head hurts. Shocker right, it always hurts. But I guess that I am more aware of it than usual  because I have only had 12 hours of sleep this whole week. That's problematic but I don't have time to sleep anymore. Maybe my insomnia is coming back. That was terrible last year though. Insomnia just really sucks. Sleep is good.

#59: I love my dog

I really love my dog. She is like a sister to me. She is special. We didn't find her, she found us (yes that does sound cliché but I will explain the story of how she found us). I was in third grade and I really wanted a dog because I didn't have any siblings and it was kind of lonely being alone. So I kept praying for a dog. A prayed for a girl black puppy, one that was house trained and wouldn't give my parents any trouble but would love me and hang out with me. A few days later, after me consistently asking if my dog had showed up, We got home and there was a malnourished, abandoned black puppy sitting in front of our mail box. I called out for her and she ran to me. My parents freaked because they didn't know what kind of diseases she had, but I knew she was ok. To this day, she has been my sister. She is just as sweet, but she constantly becomes more of a diva every day. But I still lover her all the way. I don't know if I will ever  be able to say goodbye to her. She is a gift from God, quite literally. She protects me and she loves me like I love her. She will forever be my sister and my best friend.